Sunday, November 30, 2014, ϟ 0 shout(s)
" Maybe the day I start seeing pictures would be the day I start falling apart. "
You took heed of my advice, found the love of your life. Told me there's no one else but me, and you wouldn't give up on me. But now it seems they were just lies, you cannot deny. You treat her well, so I can tell. Better than then, when we quarreled and yell. I hope you last long, your bonds stay strong. Forget about me, but leave the memories.
I was just a back up plan - after all.
14/11/14
Friday, November 14, 2014, ϟ 0 shout(s)
I was this close to death. Today would have been the day I stop existing in this world. It was drunk driving. I could be the next tampines drunk driving crash incident on the news/stomp. I could.. But I was lucky. I survived. We all did. All 5 of us in a car, leaving from Pyramid.
It was D's birthday celebration & we were drinking at LOL(Parklane), later went to Icon 2 because Derek said he'd open 2 bottles of Martell for D. And I was to take care of her as promised to Nemo. Because she's still not over Darren, I was to send her home as soon as lights are on. Then, her colleagues invited her to Pyramid, so I went along with her. A drived us there. I was a little bit scared because he drank at Icon. So I held onto the seatbelt at the back seat. The ride was pretty safe sailing & we all reached Vivo within 10 minutes. After drinking a tower at Pyramid, they were closing at 5am. D asked A to send me home since it was on the way. So we all hopped on with two SG Models, me, Xz & A. They wanted to go to Golden Mile to eat, so me & Xz decided to cab back from Golden Mile.
At the MCE tunnel, I was slowly counting fire extinguishers at the side of the roads to make sure I was awake. But slowly, I knew I was dozing off. Until, we hit something & I quickly sprang up awake & saw our car hit against the left side of the wall & started swerving right & left until we came to a stop. All of us were awake & shocked. We then decided to slowly drive out of MCE & stop at the road side. We all hit our heads except Xz who was seated in the middle. The side of the car was scratched & I saw water leaking from underneath the car.
It was only 6 in the morning & we were stuck at Paya Lebar. I told A to send the two SG Models home as they seemed hurt & he said they were his responsibility. So he asked Xz to drive his car back home because his dad would need it for work at 7. & I had to cab home alone.
It was such a horrible experience, & we girls somehow knew this would happen. We all kept saying that he shouldn't drive & call for valet instead. But he insisted that he wasn't drunk. He's just sleepy. Well, isn't it the same thing.. You're only sleepy because you're drunk. & it only makes it worse. Tells me I'm not going to ride on someone else's car after drinking for a long time.
To end off, never take warnings for granted. If you drink, don't drive. It's the one rule if you want to stay alive or keep your license for the long run.
Unhealthy Lifestyle
Sunday, November 9, 2014, ϟ 0 shout(s)
Every night, it's either I stay up, or I cry myself to sleep. Can't tell which I prefer.. And I haven't been eating properly with three meals a day. I can go empty stomach for the entire day. [Ignoring the fact that my stomach actually growls.] I think my lifestyle is really terrible. I don't even make the effort to get ample sleep or even eat three meals equally. My immune system might get worse.. ): Which, I don't want it happening because medicine is one thing I hate the most. I just hope I can adjust back to a normal lifestyle when school starts.. Tomorrow.
Past tense
Saturday, November 8, 2014, ϟ 0 shout(s)
I think of the times R made me cry.. I've never actually mentioned any here.. But we've quarreled many times. And I've bawled multiple times in public. Make me wonder what other people are thinking when they saw a couple bickering. Or more like only the guy talking.
I'm the type of person who would keep quiet & refuse to talk when I'm crying or close to crying or just plain sad. Okay, when my mood is down. I'll just keep my mouth shut. R will do the talking & keep pointing out his disappointments of me. The part of me he wasn't too happy about. Plenty of them. And when he starts to get fierce, I'll start crying.
Once, it was at Sommerset station where he lost his ezlink card & blamed that he told me he didn't like to be outside because he always loses things. [He didn't mention the losing things part. Just the disliking part.] Then he complained about how I didn't comfort him & assure him that it's not a big deal. [Which I thought I did, because I tried asking him if he recalled when he took out his phone & that we should head back & look for it, but he refused.] So he started saying & I'm, of course, keeping quiet. Everytime I keep quiet, he gets mad even more because he said that I wasn't respecting him and that he wants me to talk. But I can't change my habit. It's so hard. So I quickly walked off when I couldn't take it no more, I wanted to take a cab home & get away from him. But damn, there's a queue at the taxi stand. He chased me there despite purchasing the green one-time pass. And of course, he complained about that too. I kept asking him to go home on his own & I will on my own. But he refused & kept on saying that he want to follow me back & not make things so awkward. So yeah, we ended up in the cab together & I didn't talk to him for the entire trip back home.
Another time, we quarreled over playing computer & I just walked off because I didn't want to squeeze on a chair with him. Then he went into the room angrily. And I can't really recall what happened, but we quarreled and I cried, wanting to leave his house and go home. When I was at his door, he pulled me back asking me not to leave & told me that he wouldn't chase after me if I left this time as promised previously. & I pulled his hand off and walked home. He really didn't come after me. I was actually hoping he did, that's why I walked all the way. We broke up at that point. But somehow, we patched back again when I came back frome Hong Kong. It was a long month away from each other, but we still quarreled again.
It was on my birthday, or rather the night before my birthday. He wanted to be the first to wish me so he'd spend the night with me till the clock strikes 12. We went for a movie & as usual, he'd be sleeping in there. I got upset, because I felt that everytime we watch a movie together, I'm alone. What's the point of watching when he's going to be sleeping through almost the entire movie? I know he's tired, but we can just do something else or watch it another day when he's more awake.. Then he started complaining about me again. That he didn't like me going out with my friends and don't bother texting him frequently. [It's my habit to not use my phone when I'm outside. Because I feel disrespectful to my friends if I kept using my phone while I'm with them.] And bam, I'm crying again. On the night before my birthday.
That's not the worst yet. The worst cry of the history would be when R got super crazy & started slapping himself with my hand/without. I tried to stop him but he wouldn't. I cried so hard I couldn't even stop. I was so shocked and scared. Just like how my parents used to hit me with a cane. He even knocked his head on the wall a couple of times & was really crazy. He even threatened to jump out the window at the 12th storey. I got so scared I couldn't even utter a word. In my heart, I really wanted to go home because I was petrified by what he was doing. Like I was afraid he would act recklessly anytime. We officially broke up few days later after a few pointless arguments on the phone. I don't get how we can get so emotional over little things that I thought didn't matter at all. It wouldn't have turned out this way if he didn't.
Heart strings
ϟ 0 shout(s)
I think a heart string just snapped. It hurts so bad. I can't stop crying. It seems like you are never there for me. You didn't speak up for me. You never did. It pains me to see you just standing there & watching me go down. Maybe you were enjoying it. Laughing too. Because you didn't seem to care about how I would've feel. You didn't even ask them to stop. Or even asked if I was okay. I guess you never cared about anyone but yourself. You just wanted face. You think it's so easy to just let it be & apologize over something anyone else would've known since they publicly spoke of it & I just coincidentally chanced upon it?
To think about it, you guys are just plain no balls douches who can make friends with dickheads like them. Even to the extent of siding him making fun of me. Don't you think it's so laughable. Your boyfriend don't even have your back. Like he's working as an 'underdog' of another - 'dog'. It's not like he's going to whoop your ass if you go against him. You're just siding over another case of cyber bullying. And your friends, the ones who weren't even involved. You called them over for what? To scold us? And some calling me f*ck girlfriend? Tells me we shouldn't even be together because I'm f*cked up, right? I cause many troubles. I think you would care less about me now since they said they were going to introduce you girls prettier than a crooked ugly face like me. Hope your new girlfriend won't look like Medusa.
And why Medusa? Because they called me Medusa, said I will stone people with my ugly face. But it's actually a compliment, right? Because Medusa is pretty & people get mesmerized hence look into her eye & turn into statues. Well, the thing is she's like this because she's been hurt. That's why she turned evil.
Should go enhance your knowledge before you use them. Lest you look like a stupid idiot.
Is this the end?
Monday, October 27, 2014, ϟ 0 shout(s)
It's been quite awhile since I've cried in the afternoon. Usually it's always at night when I overthink. But I just cried because the urge of ending my life is getting stronger everyday. I always wonder how people actually get the courage to just leap off from the edge of a building. I can never imagine myself doing it. And I don't want to do it just because many people have just waltzed into my life & leaving it hanging. Or even making my life difficult. It's so hard to handle so many things at a time.
This hair thing itself has already made my past few weeks a dreadful cold sweated one. I didn't even have appetite for anything whenever I think about it. I've even talked to God about it. He told me it was a test & I had to overcome it. Mine isn't as difficult as what others are facing. Some are facing illnesses that may or may not be treated, be it Malaria, Ebola or Cancer.. It's only a test for me to be stronger. To never repeat my mistakes by leaving a strong deep lesson in my head.
Yesterday, I realized how much people hated me. How I felt that the impression people have about me was so awful, I couldn't even tell if that was me. A lot of people have been calling me a slut or a flirt. Even him.. He got me all worried and just bad mouthed me in front of everyone just because I was mad at him & didn't want to reply him. And the first thing he could ask was whether I was flirting with someone else. This pretty much tells me how much he don't trust me. And can even go around telling friends that he know that I'm going to run away with someone else sooner or later. In front of me. How am I supposed to react to that? Acknowledge it and just smile it off? Well, I can't. All I know is to cry over such a horrible life. How pretty much fucked up people think I am. Maybe I should just be a prostitute & live like this forever, because I think it matches whatever people thinks about me. Maybe even you just treat me like one. What's the point of crying over such a person. Maybe I'm crying because I now have to live a life like how people think I am.
Back to the future
Thursday, August 7, 2014, ϟ 0 shout(s)
It's been awhile since I've posted a post on this social platform. Probably because of the sensitivity of certain posts I've written here. I feel like I've put lots of problems in here to be hidden away beneath my heart. Somewhere I would not stumble upon again in my mind. But it seems that after some time, I'll always come back to the same point again - Reading my old posts.
My school has started for three weeks already, and it's already the forth week today.. In class today, I met my primary school friend, Jiamin who lives somewhere near me. I was astonished when I saw her. Probably because I didn't expect to see anyone I know in this more than ulu school.
new past